Manteca introduces new “we won’t put you out of business” program.

Good news! Manteca city official have decided it no longer makes sense to do everything they can to close every local business. From now on, this treatment will only be reserved for ordinary people.

Previously, city officials have caused businesses to fail by requiring them to, among other things:

• Tear up the sales lot of a car dealership and plant trees instead. The cars, the city felt, were unpleasant to look at.
• Deny a permit to a car wash because the other car washes in town didn’t like the idea.
• Revoke the permit for a dance hall because there was too much dancing and music going on.
• Require a fitness center to purchase and build a larger parking lot because they moved a machine from one room to another.
• …. and so on….

But city officials vow to end such abuses and put an end to the poverty enhancement policies that have plagued the past. Even the mayor is quoted as saying he thinks private enterprise is important! A new day dawns!

However, there are a few strings attached to getting your new permission to operate in Manteca. Here’s a quick checklist to see if you qualify to not be driven into poverty by city policy:

• Do you have plans to expand? Do you draw in a lot of tax money? Has the city demanded at least a $million in fees or else?
• Have you threatened to leave Manteca? It’s not enough to just say you’ll leave; have you actually found land in another jurisdiction and put up a “For Sale” sign?
• Are you friends with the director of a politically well connected charity? Friends with the husband of the finance director? (regular people need not apply).

If you meet all the above requirements, you’re in luck! You simply need to have your friend ask his wife to talk to “some people” at city hall. Chances are that $million in fees will soon be “Did we say a million dollars? hmm… how about half that… no, tell you what, make it $400,000 and we’ll call it good.”

Good luck! Enjoy your new prosperity!

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